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Journaling/Context: Preaching About Global Peace or Whatever Other Bullshit Nonsense

Updated: Sep 6

Also, I feel like people thought I like got other people involved with Underground Apex because i couldn't do it myself, i just fucking said that because if you all knew what I was capable of you would have been weird about it I came back just to show everyone I never needed you, I involved you all because I really thought it was a good thing for people. So no offense but also fuck you a little. I always just do shit because I know it'll work out. People say that but do not actually believe it clearly LOL. But I was so traumatized I could not fucking think or see clearly but i knew if I could just get safe and slow down then I could be who I always knew I was god forbid women to feel safe in America. The worst part was I was literally explaining everything I was looking for and needed and thought was good for people in a pretty public way the fucking entire time and you guys just did not see that I was being genuine, or maybe you didn't care I don't know. Maybe I delusionally believed anyone would see that I was extremely capable, based on my ideas alone but apparently not so alright here we are. My Dad LITERALLY has a genius-level IQ I'm trusting because i want to be not because I don't know who you all are. BOO BITCHES

I'm trying really hard to not give a shit what people think about all this but that is extremely challenging, I don't know why I did this like I do and I don't I'm just following a feeling i can't really explain. I think I've searched my whole life to try and understand the world and make sense of things that people so often say cannot be explained. I just disagree, there's a piece of the truth in everything and it's hard to see things clearly unless you can be totally objective and just take yourself completely out of the equation. My whole life people have accused me of lying about like just objective facts and so I guess I'm on a journey I'm not sure where it's taking me but I feel like this all shows how i truly believe I am incompatible with the world, i just cannot exist functionally in a world that feels this dysfunctional. Obviously, this was all insane? But I just like really felt called to do this and I cannot explain it other than that. I felt like I had to record it, I felt like i had to post it, I felt like I had to say it like i just needed to for me I just cannot handle people not taking me seriously i do not know what happened totally but I feel different that's all I'll say and it's a good thing and you just have to trust me on that. Like I was saying shit just assuming it would make sense later because it usually does and it did idk? Like people have so many different perspectives and I try and connect to all of them because like I really fucking believe I get where it comes from. Maybe that's narcissistic or arrogant but fine then i am those things but my beliefs about myself are based on my lived experiences, people's reactions, words, and feelings towards me and they are all valid. But if I'm insane for saying abuse is not okay then I'm fucking nuts I'm not really sure what else to say. Also, I keep saying I could not have planned this all if I tried, the words literally just come out of me. It's so insanely out of character for me to refer to myself as like anything special because I'm just a normal person but if that's true than why is everyone so weird to me all the time and why do people look me in the eyes and lie and watch me be so confused and scared and feel no guilt? That like truly truly truly feels fucking nUTS to me? I know so many people know what I'm talking about too so it's like i'm just not really explaining myself other than this. But anyways, It feels so insane to live in a world that just insists on denying so many people's realities mine but not just mine and I feel like in order to advocate for myself I also have to advocate for people who maybe lack resources, language, or just like support to talk about things that are really uncomfortable and I get that it sucks and it's weird but like it's fucking life and maybe shit sucks not for each individual but just kinda collectively there are so many things we could do better and there's a reason things are the way they are but I just see things differently I always have and people have always made me feel weird about it and I literally have to say it or I'll actually go insane. I really am trying not to care if anyone is paying attention and for my own mental health I cannot look but i just feel like the foundation for my ideas is based in reality, is practical, is empathetic and if it's not I'd be happy to fucking hear from people but literally no one ever believes in change enough to seriously talk about it. But like two people cannot fix things it takes so many people acknowledging that like okay maybe things aren't totally perfect and that's cool no shame but seriously people all over the world are fucking losing their minds because life is unfair and it does not have to be there are solutions and I really believe the Black Panthers had like a lot of the answers but because... white supremacy we just threw the baby out with the bath water and in my personal opinion that is a mistake. At this point I like do not know what to do or what to say to make people recognize that i don't have all the answers I never claimed that but I just see a bigger picture that I'm honestly kinda confused why other people don't see? Like that's what is the most confusing part is it feels so obvious to me that it's like upsetting that I even have to explain it? I don't really know what to say other than that. I feel like my opinion matters and there are too many men with an incentive not to change things because of the skeletons in their closets and the benefit of the world operating this way. If that's a ridiculous claim then fucking alright I guess. I'm maybe hopeful but I am not stupid. I understand the game I'm just not playing. Yes, it is 100% a privilege not to play but all these rich people like do not have to play but their ego keeps them in the game way longer than truly makes sense like you made it you did it you proved yourself and now dedicate yourself to giving back? It is so American to think we don't owe each other anything because no one helped us, like fucking that's exactly what makes what I'm saying so important. We can be boomers and make people suffer the same way we did or we could fucking not? Like oh my god, I am not crazy you all are no offense like i get it I do it's the way of the world but we always have a choice. I genuinely do not believe any of this to be unreasonable and it is weird that to the world it is? Like this to me feels like baseline empathy? I just wanted to put as much of me out there in case one day anyone does see this. I assume i'm talking to myself and that's okay this is just for me but I never do anything if I feel like it's not good for other people. You don't have to believe that but my history proves that. But no one else was ever going to recognize me. if I had access to a ton of money do I feel like I could get shit done, totally, but I don't and so I'd just rather other people do it because I truly believe it'll work. I've seen it in my own life on a kinda of micro-scale but a solid foundation can be built off of IT. It doesn't matter who does it it just matters it gets done. I'm not pushing any of this because i'm just crazy enough to believe that people seek out what they're looking for or they just stumble upon it at the right time. I'm sorry if my story makes people uncomfortable but no I'm not I literally should not have to apologize for existing and I would never have done this publicly if anyone ever took me seriously who knew me and like was really willing to do the work but life is crazy and busy and people just can't and I get that. But I can so it's like I'm just going to put as much of it out there until I run out of ideas. I might be 25 but I am smart and i am capable whether anyone believes that or not I truly do not care. Sometimes walking away from what everyone expects of us is the bravest thing we can do in life. Stop living for other people's expectations you can start actually living for people. period.

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